Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A Breakup Dissected

Catharsis has never been my motivation for writing. Though, as a few of you know, my life changed this year in ways too weird to foretell, I suspect a lot of changes are yet to appear, and there are still a few choppy currents to cross before I'm able to anchor my little dinghy. However, after some guys came up to me to talk about my breakup (and their impending breakups), I decided to write out what I went through.
This was a very difficult undertaking for me, especially considering the fact that I had already gone through the phases described below and would have to relive them in order to map out my post completely.
The background: I broke up with my girlfriend in the month of February this year. It was a milestone in my life which changed my character in a lot of ways, and left a very deep impact on my psyche. It hasn't, however, destroyed my faith in the all-conquering nature of love and all the resident emotions that such faith implies.

There are people you meet in life who love you and in turn are loved by you, whose delicate strands of existence are seemingly irrevocably intertwined with yours, and then one fine day all that is left of them is a rapidly shrinking image on the rearview mirror of the soul.
But you still hear the voices and feel them tugging away gently, sadly, at your heart. And you cry softly to yourself, knowing fully well that all that is left of you with them is a faint memory of a dream that was never to be.
You move away from sorrow and jump into a maelstorm of relationships, negotiating your way from sanctuary to sanctuary, hoping against hope that the love you find will trump the one you lost. You mingle with the Beautiful Ones glittering away in the firmament of the heavens, and hope that their green-tinged shadows shall cross the chasms of space and time that lie between you and Her. Your birthday appears and disappears without a call. You gasp at the systematic way in which she deletes you from her life.
And then you cry some more.
And you curse and you rant, and you forge for yourself a heart of iron, never to be broken again.
But iron rusts, and the poison of hatred flows through your veins, and you stop wondering whether she remembers you at all.
And you declare yourself a master of your own destiny, and you concentrate on conquering the world, having failed to conquer your own heart. You bury yourself in work and carve your name on mountaintops.
And yet, in the dead of the night, you hear Her voice, and you wake up in a cold sweat.

And you remember touch and smell, hot breath and hot kiss, smile on face and cascade of wet hair, soft hands and teddy bears.
You think of teddy bears, and you cry.
You cry, thinking of the first time you talked, lying down on soft grass and looking up at the stars above, holding hands and promising to be together for ever.
You cry, thinking of the last time you saw her, looking out of a train and shouting out to the whole world that she loves you.
You cry because you miss the way she hugged you, the way she sat on your lap, the way her nose turned red when she got angry, the way she'd stand on tiptoes to kiss your forehead, the way she'd curl up whenever she got tickled, the way she sneezed, the way she laughed.
You miss the way she talked, miss the way she held your hand while crossing a road.
You miss her like hell, and you cry your guts out. You weep and you curse your own life.

And then, all of a sudden, there are no more tears to be shed, and no more knives to wound your heart.
You look back to the love you had, the dreams that were dreamt, the chronicles that shall remain unwritten, the songs that shall forever remain unsung.
You look back, and you smile.
And you wave, and you mouth out the words: Thanks for everything.


45 comments:

sandeep said...

even though i know the intention of this post is not to get compliments and i had all but thought of moving away in silence ...still...can't help but say...

beautiful

kpowerinfinity said...

really as sandeep said ... beautiful .. have never seen poignance captured so well in words!

all i can say is ... buddy ... hold on tight - life's a roller coaster ... you go down only to come up again!

good luck n god speed!

No more Botox! said...

To quote my friend Samuel Butler
"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".

Hang in there buddy!

DD said...

i would just reiterate. beautiful imagery.

you should be posting more.

have peace.

Gamesmaster G9 said...

A true artist is one who can turn pain into beauty. Congratulations.

LitmusTest said...

Its an irony that people will pay you anything to read such stuff but you will pay anything to never have to write it again.

dash said...

Man, it's such an irony. The beautiful way in which u have portrayed such a heartbreaking incident of ur life..I have become a fan of urs.

A. Mishra said...

I understand.

Anti-establishment Inc said...

Intense love usually turns into intense hatred as the energy center for both of them are the same.However, you my friend, have converted that into creativity. Kudos.

A.G.Sudarshan said...

:).

rainbeau_peep said...

funny how the measure of love is loss, isn't it?
it was a very moving post, thank you for it.

Anonymous said...

Nicely expressed..
this blog is a gd direction to think in for many ppl including me..

may u find peace in ur endeavours

Nimesh said...

I dunno if i should poke my doggy nose in this issue or not, as i'm an outsider, but something i thought i'll share with u guys:
#1. I read this somewhere: "Love cuts ur heart as deep as u allow it to"
#2. Love is Physical Chemistry- a tinge of being physical, and more of chemistry between two beings. So if any of the ingredients is missing, what u baked was not cake (read "Love" in place of cake).
Sorry again for poking my nosey.

Ph said...

Yes, so much to be thankful for. Hang on. Time is a wonderful thing.

nemesis said...

no words can provide solace...i wouldn't even dare try...all that i can say is that hope is a foul deceitful thing...but yet, we hope- we live, with that buried desire...one day it'll be alright!!!

Phippogriff said...

Lovely portrayal man....I always had these thoughts somewhere in my mind...never got the right words to convey them..
"But iron rusts, and the poison of hatred flows through your veins, and you stop wondering whether she remembers you at all." It is so true man and I am proud to say that I have seen that iron rust in me. life is too beautiful to waste on any closed chapter :) Peace

Phippogriff said...

And finally so true : "Thanks for everything"

Souvik said...

Visiting blogosphere after quite some time ...
u made the picture float up in this post ... simply poignant and beautiful!!
Good luck !!

aditi said...

i must say it ws awsome...too gd...wrds r less to say hw touchin it ws....
i'll just say a line written by paulo coehlo- "......when someone leaves....it's b'coz sum1 else is abt to arrive...."
jst hv +v attitude...
god bless u...n gd luck...

@dg said...

Its a nice way to write about something so sad ... sigh...

Mund said...

sorry i din't kno abt the incidence..
only from this i came to kno..
i am at loss of words to say nything to u...
I believe ...u need no words...
sometimes silence tells more than words..

I know...u will rise from it..
keep writing....
obviously true..great piece of emotion-drenched work...

Subash said...

I have never seen such elaborate, marvellous, heart-touching, yet sad post in my life.

Keep up ur literary level buddy ...

coke said...

I look at your words
I can gauge the pain
I lost my love too
Dunno if I'll love again

It's like fucking losing a leg ... nothing else can act as a substitute.

Walk well, my brother; who knows what we might run into :)

StrangeMan said...

gr8..

abhinav said...

the ambivalence of feelings.... the experience happens with one and all.

but the way u expressed shows the intensity and the depth.

it happens and will happen...it's never meant to last..

if u can just relive the sweetness then it'll not be a tragedy...afterall u were always true and thats all that matters.

pinky said...

Hatz off to u... Sir...

Anonymous said...

Too touching...Hope you recover soon :)

El Katto said...

its fun reading backwards.....
I really had to comment devdas!Hic!
esp the Thanks for Everything! :D....
that was just icing on the cake....
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

rukne ka naein....thakne ka naein....life mein chalte rene ka....bheja kyon sarkaane ka...sai bolta sai bolta

Lalit Mangal said...

true to each word of it. beautifully captured the sorrows of a broken heart.

Anonymous said...

friend, u've jus spoken my heart out...i really wana thnk u 4 ur creation has chngd my feeling of hatred into a feeling of honour because u've made me realise d importance n beauty of the moments she has given me...

I_Rule said...

...rapidly shrinking image on the rearview mirror of the soul..

i feel kinda guity for sneaking on to this post on very first visit to your blog but am seriously impressed...
btw, i had to use the dictionary thrice but thats my poor vocab!

kriti said...

it wrenched my stomach

kriti said...

and best of luck with the recovery boss...

Divoo said...

Every word you've written is soaked in pain.. I can so well relate with it..

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Some people come into your life to teach you lessons that must be thought and then leave...sometimes its just impossible to stay and be true..yes thanking is the best possible thing to say..because without the experience there is no lesson..

~Lord Anshul said...

i finally read this post. and trust have i have no idea wether to say "wat a touching post !!" or shut up. have no idea whether to to comment on it or not.

but man, i dunno how much, but i empathize u. take care man !!

ashish said...

hmm
ur post helped me relive my experience !
but it was not so intense barring the last thankyou line ...
though i still get wishes on my b'day ....and we still are best friends..
may be u had a communication gap at the end and that's where the problem lies!To love means to give and not to take ....so i have given her away knowing fully well if our love is true she will come back !
hats off to an awesome post ...

ashok said...

really heart touching.. "Life says wait!! and gives you the best."

Sumit said...

Words are not enough to comment anything about this lovely and heart toching post. Believe me, I had no idea that you could be so sentimental also. I mean I always saw you as a very intellactual and practical guy. This blog has given me 1 more dimension to look at you. Let see what more is undiscovered.

Pri said...

very nicely expressed...
but ever thought about it from the girls point of view? :)
we have a hard time too!

Baffling said...

helps me reaffirm my faith in what the direction my life is taking now.

Just like to add one thing:

When you realise that there's something in your life that you have no control over and that has happened - there's nothing you can do or could have done to prevent it, well, it is the most frustrating feeling i've ever encountered.

Mez said...

:( I felt it cauz i have gone thru all such lonely hours when all i have is hope. Memories & Hope, i say are the most powerful words that can both make n break a person.Well in a way, in some measure am still goin thru it.Sigh!

The Silent Spectator said...

I am late by 2 years but the depth of your feeling and its outpouring in the form of raw words was like a flooded river breaking its limits.I wish you only success in your future endeavours.

Siddharth said...

hi, i have never discussed this with you...but to tell you the truth...this is one fantastic piece...sometimes life's jamboree is unique...you have to find that uniqueness...its hidden but its there...i wish you only the best...God definitely has something better for you...i am sure !!